Here We Go Again

As of next month, I will have been a bartender for half of my entire life and I'll only be 28. That is insane. Anyhow, some stuff happened over the last year to make me take a good look at the lifestyle. I'm a lot older and wiser than when I was previously posting here.

The best, and worst, of being a bartender is everything is 'easy come, easy go' - jobs, cash, friends, sex, relationships - it's all there at your fingertips just waiting to be plucked. This is of course awesome - for a time. You blew $500 on a night out? You'll make it back. Your management is crazy/you fucked up one time too many and lost your job? Whatevs, this is the big city baby, I'll get another tomorrow. Your other half is being a bit of a dick? Don't they know you have your fan club coming in every night hanging on your every word? Next! Everyone is made both hotter and cooler (you know what I mean!) by the simple act of stepping behind that bar, and feeling like a rockstar doesn't get old quickly.

The problem has only been a real problem for me lately. I guess I'm getting old. I'm ready for permanence, for the next step. Friendships easily forged easily fade, and no-one's worse at keeping in touch than the service industry. We all hop along to the next job, the next new bff, and before you know if some-one looking you up on FaceBook and you're wondering how/why you ever lost touch with them. You break your goddamn ribs and realise all those times you were thinking 'I'll make it back tomorrow' have accumulated into you living day to day, month to month, certain of that cash flow that is not there now. You need to talk something over with someone and realise nearly all of your friends are weirded out if it gets any deeper than last nights ballgame. Or you lose a potentially great relationship because it needs a little work, and it's easier to just go get blasted with those friends than face up to messy emotions and actually try to be a better person.

Bars are all surface flash and cash. Sure things get deep and emotional on a quiet Tuesday at 3am - and bar buddies are usually the first to know when somethings goes wrong. But you'll speak of these things once, both a little drunk, and never mention them again. They've made it easy for me to just move on when things get tough rather than riding it out, learning from it and becoming a wiser person. There is a perpetual sense of living the same day/week over again - we don't even see that much daylight to get a sense of time. And then before you know it it's five years later and you are in exactly the same place - different faces, different apartment, different specifics but exactly the same place.

The last year really kicked my ass. Broken ribs (no work for two months and not much saved going in). Then I had family member dependent on me for six months who I wanted to show a good time - Atlantic City! Gigs! Playoff tickets! No expense spared! When they were leaving, though sad to see them go I was a little relieved to be able to get back on track financially. Of course then I got fired in the worst hiring market in NY in years. Lost my apt as it was tied to work, NO money to get a new place - and of course it turned out that some of my best friends disappeared til all was good again, whilst some I would maybe not have counted on got me through. I would even probably had to move back to the UK without one person in particular, who is also the one who brought on this whole introspective phase. Or woke me up, I don't know. Either way it's been kind of deflating to see where I'm at, but better I suppose than careening blindly out of control down the same path. They also taught me to see the motives behind peoples actions - I guess I thought everyone acted like I did, with blind faith and good intentions. Really it's been sad to lose that innocence, but most people figure it out a lot younger than I do

So I know what I've got to do, which parts of my lifestyle need to change, and where I want to be two years from now when I'm thinking about turning thirty. I have not been good enough to my friends, family, employers over the last few years and that's another depressing realisation but one that can be turned around. Most of all I've let myself down, it's fucking embarrassing to end up broke and homeless and totally dependent on someone you've known for like six months. It sucks to lose someone great because you keep falling into the same pattern of letdown and apology. And it really fucking hurts to be told by the person you respect most 'I'm going places and you're not; so.... good luck, see you around kid!' And to have to acknowledge that they have a point. It's not a place I ever want to be in again.

So here's to the new me! Starting afresh again, but with purpose for a change. New job, new faces, new chances to make the opportunities I need, new mistakes I'm sure but as long as they're not the same old ones. I debated a new blog but it will be interesting to read this back over time and see where I started out from and where I end up. Hopefully this is the first step on the road to an awesome new way of being, and I can find the strength and the courage to get to where I need to be.