Sweet. Mother. Of. God.

Right well I clearly have pissed off someone up there, this week was INSANE. I still can't believe even the half of it looking back.
Here are the highlights.
There was a CRAZY bar fight at my place, I called 911 three times because I thought my security guy was getting killed. And my stupid security guy was the one who started it!

I had to call my cop connections, for the first time in my life, to squash it. And even he couldn't get rid of it.One of the fighters had shown me NY ID, that turned out to belong to her sister... I had to have a meeting with some scary Queens DA and kiss some ass.. I rocked it of course. I expect a marriage proposal from him within the month..


And in the most totally batshit insane development, my crazy roommate had a full on psychotic break and BROKE INTO MY ROOM to break shit... I was there and tried to calm her, just made her more crazy - then she decided she wanted me out of the country and called the fucking INS on me! This was over a pair of shoes left in the living room. INSANE. I had to leave at 4am with whatever I could carry and go back with a police escort to get the rest of my stuff. Maybe I should have seen it coming, she was always strange. But this was some serious off her meds schizo stuff.
Frightening.

To cap it all I stupidly hooked up with My Fake Boyf. I was stressed, he was there....whatever. I know it was a dumb DUMB move and he's totally sweating me again. Sigh.

I'm a big fan of 'do it for the story'. But can I make the choice? Will someone please stop the drama coming to me?

Oh NO! Ex Sex!

Everybody does it I suppose, but I'm so mad at myself.

I had plans to meet up with FB last Friday, and as I've still been bitchslapping him around and not giving it up, I knew he'd actually be there with bells on instead of calling two hours late to tell me he's on flipping LI. Then The Ex started texting me. Are you free tonight? (Nope, have plans.) Can you get out of them? (Not really, what's up?) I really need you. Broke up with Stupid New Girlf, need a friend.

If I'm totally honest I knew right then where the night was going to end up.

I dumped The Ex, but I was still totally devastated by the breakup. First Love and all that. He just kept fucking up, to the point where I think he was doing that cowardly guy thing of forcing me to dump him rather than him dumping me. He swears not though. Even after I broke up with him, we kept hanging out at least once a week, and that quickly turned into sleeping together, until we were basically dating again whilst still officially broken up. Until one day when he was coming to my house for a sleepover, he called me first and told me he had a date the next day. I was pissed. This guy has been coupled up since he was fifteen - if he had a date that meant within two weeks she'd be his new girlfriend. He'd been talking to her and calling her for two months whilst sleeping with me. I felt like I'd been dumped, even though we were officially off anyway... just blindsided.

I was right, the two of them got serious ridiculously fast. That's his m.o., after the first week we met I don't think we spent a night apart, and I've NEVER been like that with a guy before. My previous boyfriends tended to bitch they were forgetting what I looked like as they'd get to see me so little. To make matters worse, this new girl was a dope. She swears blind her name on her birth cert is Princess (um, no. It's not.) She's a freelance fashion consultant (read, unemployed, daddy has money). She's a 'practicing Wiccan' (yurk) - just the type of girl who makes me want to go for gender reassignment surgery. Our mutual friends hated her. The first time he took her to meet them she spent the entire night whining 'Baby, I'm cold.' 'Baby, it's too crowded in here.' 'Baby...' and not even attempting to make conversation with anyone else.

The Ex And I still spoke a lot - he called me at least twice a day, and this bothered her. It would drive me nuts too, if a new guy I was dating needed to talk to his ex that much. So in the interests of settling her mind I told him, you know, we're all grown-ups, let's meet up one night so she knows who you're talking to. We still move in the same social circles so we're bound to bump into each other eventually, lets do it properly.

I took FB along (our first date, incidentally) and I had him well prepped. I was so insecure about meeting her, I was expecting one of those Manhattan, ubergroomed, tiny little blond chicklets. And that I would look like a big hulking brown blob beside her. I did look fucking hot that night if I say so myself, And also I'm the skinniest I've been since I was about twelve - I lost 35lbs in last 4/5 months!- so I was feeling okay about myself. outside the concert venue me and FB were having a smoke and I saw The Ex come round the corner. I started to wave, he just widened his eyes and gave a tiny shake of his head. Then Princess came careening around the corner, wearing a tiny tee that said 'Hands Off My Man' (what are we, fucking fourteen? Also HE calls me, I don't call him). FB, god love him, said 'Jesus is that her? She's like a...a plumber! Oh he fucked up. He gave up you for Super Mario over there?' Hee. This is why I still forgive FB his subsequent blah behaviour - I needed him then and he came through.

I think any girl will sympathize with me, and I guess guys too - you always want to be better/cuter/funnier/smarter than your ex's new squeeze. 'Princess' WAS teeny and blond - but also built like a brick shithouse and just kind of raggedy. I was definitely hotter. And not as insane/immature. The Ex was probably right to keep us apart, if she was jealous without meeting me she'd be nuts if she actually did. Jesus I sound like a conceited bitch, huh?

Anyhoo. He broke up with her Friday over her general insecurity/insanity, I cancelled my plans and took him for dinner, we got wasted and slept together. He was the best sex I've had which is why my will of steel (ha) went out the window, but I truly regret it. The dope will most likely be back with her within the week, and I also don't want him thinking there's even a small chance we'll get together again. I'm loving my skinny single life right now.

I'll be 26 on Saturday. Maybe once I've officially crossed into "late" twenties I'll start making better decisions....

Parades of retardery

I'm sorry, but it's my current favourite phrase. And tonight truly was one.

Warning - bitchery, of interest to no-one but myself.

Goddamn Salvation Army was sitting at the bar when I walked in. We haven't seen him in a few months, thought we were through; this guy fantasizes about being military/fire dept when really he's a (whatever professiom you hate the most) fron fucking NJ - not that I have that much against NJ, but how the fuck did he end up a regular in my bar? I was working with the New Girl for first time, and she was crazy flirtatious as is her style - I told her she would hate him within 90 mins. And, as always, I was correct. The idiot managed to tell me that whilst in Germany last week (BUH-leeeve) that he wasn't allowed to leave his (imaginary) base as the terror alert, on him personally, was more than red. WTF? But I am down with the idea of people wanting to shoot this guy, he will NEVER shut the fuck up already. With his fake and boring stories about being in service. Come on, if you're making it up at least make it interesting and dramatic you boring fuck... Jeez, I guess I'm feeling particularly venomous.But I am super stressed.

.

So again I would like to point out I LOVE my job and my customers. But it's usually the bad stuff you need to get off your chest, which is why I end up ranting and raving so much. Part of the night was hilarious, I brought water pistols in and we had a massive staff v customer water fight between 3 and 4am. And one of the guys left us this which was hee-larious. And New Girl knows how to work a crowd, I was useless after the cell pic incident but she hustled and we made pots and pots of cash. Still, it's six am, and I am hopping the walls.

Bad bars make me sad

I recently moved to the neighbourhood I work in, and I'm hunting for a new local so I don't end up drinking in my own place all the time. There are so many bad bars around here it's unbelievable. There's the nearby dive that, whilst I like dives, is so scuzzy I want to shower in bleach after just walking by. There's the local hotspot that has a, well, generous ID policy - I feel like I'm prom chaperon every time I go. There's the local where you can never get a drink because the bartender is always sharking on whatever young blond is in that night. But the two I tried last night took the biscuit.

My regular told me about a new place, 30 tap beers, great food, near the movie theatre. Sounds fab. I checked out the menu before going in, and they offer peppercorn sauce with burgers - I'm sold. Everything is better with peppercorn sauce. My Fake Boyf got there first and ordered a burger. I arrived, with a raging thirst of course and only 30 minutes to slake it before the movies. There's no-one behind the bar.....still no-one........no-one....'maybe the bartender's actually cooking your burger'... After ten minutes he wanders in from wherever, pours me a beer and a Jager, wanders off again. I'm saying to My Fake Boyf, I like this place, wonder why it's not busier? I didn't like the beer I ordered, and plus, only half an hour before the movie!, so I pawned it off on My Fake Boyf and decided to order a Manhattan. The other bartender comes behind bar, I try to catch her eye but no luck, she left again and sat in a couch making out with her guy. Bartender 1 is nowhere to be seen. I wait and wait, timing it this time. After 12 minutes I went for a smoke. I get very antsy and irritable when made to wait for liquor, nicotine was necessary to stop me from breaking some shit. I went back inside, waited some more....Hey, a bartender sighting! He took my order, then - hey, bartender 2's back there too! So they decided to have a little chat about something whilst not making my goddamn drink already. From deciding to order to getting drink took 24 minutes. That is ridiculous. But now I know why the place isn't busy. I won't be back. Plus if somebody orders Jager at my bar I know there's a good chance they're a fast drinking lush like myself, and I'm all over them. As a customer I was thirsty and annoyed, as a pro I was baffled. Someone wants to spend money in a place but can't get service - with two bartenders working? Place is doomed. Also it was a terrible Manhattan, tasted inexplicably like a Bloody Mary.

Second bad bar defies belief. It's a local dive. People were smoking indoors at 9pm which is the true dive bar test in my opinion. If you don't make people go outside at least until 11 then you really just don't care. No Maker's Mark, okay it's a fairly standard liquor but I'll make do with Jack. This is what knocked me on my ass. The bartender (Irish, mid 40s so clearly either a lifer or an owner) asked me "What's a Manhattan?' What. The. Fuck. I'm sure she doesn't make many, I can't remember the last time I made one other than for myself, but come on. It's like Bartender 101. It gets worse though, she was baffled when I told her sweet vermouth, apparently never heard of it. Then when I asked for a plastic cup for cigs, she handed me a highball glass off the shelf and told me to use that. The same glass that some poor fool is drinking vodka tonic out of today. Come on, even dive bars have to have some standards. I had some jerk kid the other day who kept putting cigarettes out in his drink glass despite having an ashtray right in front of him. So I made his next drink in the same glass, butts and all.

My bar really is the best bar in the neighbourhood. That's great, and makes me proud, but it sucks when I need somewhere to do some incognito boozing. Guess I'll still be hanging around the old nabe a lot.