Mwah ha ha!

I found a place to move to! It's only for two months but that gives me lots of time to look for a REAL new place, so awesome. It belongs to one of my regulars, he's going back to Montana for a couple of months. And even awesome-er, his company pays his rent, so it's free. And he has a Wii!

He also has an extremely sexy roommate... I have feeling he'll be coming up so lets call him Hot Teacher (HT). Yes I'm aware that's kind of an oxymoron, anyone in service industry will tell you we HATE teachers. But he is hot. So moving in prob not good, but the only other option I had on short notice were The Ex and My Fake Boyf - worse. HT hits on me all the time, tells me what an asshole he is when it comes to the ladeezzz, and macks on every single woman who ever walks into my bar. He's a jerk. I am so totally going to bang him it's ridiculous. Sure to end in tears..

It's nuts to me how boy crazy this whole blog has become! That's not at all who I think of myself as. But like I said, I lost a shitload of weight - I weigh less now than I did when I was twelve - so I've never dealt with this level of interest before. It's a novelty, I'm sure I'll get used to it. It sucks in a way, a lot of my girlfriends have moved home over last year or so, the climate not as friendly towards illegal Irish as it used to be. I used to make girlfriends in a snap, but it seems they're more receptive to the fat chick than the skinny top heavy one. I have guy friends, but there's always that undercurrent of sexual interest (it runs both ways, don't get me wrong. I think it takes at least two years to go away. Two of my best mates guys, and we have NO interest in each other - but in the early days whoever was drunkest would always hit on the other one). But there are certain things - like painfully large, um, endowments - i won't talk to a guy friend about. We can be explicit and whatever, but I'm not giving anyone a flipping inferiority complex.

Anyhow. That's me for today. Dude, I am so looking forward to moving. I didn't even realise how uneasy the last few months of silent animosity from the crazy roommate were making me. Now the prospect of one that I can watch a goddamn movie with, or share a bottle of crappy wine, or even just not feel so uncomfortable that I leave the house whenever they're home - I can't wait.

Oh NO! Ex Sex!

Everybody does it I suppose, but I'm so mad at myself.

I had plans to meet up with FB last Friday, and as I've still been bitchslapping him around and not giving it up, I knew he'd actually be there with bells on instead of calling two hours late to tell me he's on flipping LI. Then The Ex started texting me. Are you free tonight? (Nope, have plans.) Can you get out of them? (Not really, what's up?) I really need you. Broke up with Stupid New Girlf, need a friend.

If I'm totally honest I knew right then where the night was going to end up.

I dumped The Ex, but I was still totally devastated by the breakup. First Love and all that. He just kept fucking up, to the point where I think he was doing that cowardly guy thing of forcing me to dump him rather than him dumping me. He swears not though. Even after I broke up with him, we kept hanging out at least once a week, and that quickly turned into sleeping together, until we were basically dating again whilst still officially broken up. Until one day when he was coming to my house for a sleepover, he called me first and told me he had a date the next day. I was pissed. This guy has been coupled up since he was fifteen - if he had a date that meant within two weeks she'd be his new girlfriend. He'd been talking to her and calling her for two months whilst sleeping with me. I felt like I'd been dumped, even though we were officially off anyway... just blindsided.

I was right, the two of them got serious ridiculously fast. That's his m.o., after the first week we met I don't think we spent a night apart, and I've NEVER been like that with a guy before. My previous boyfriends tended to bitch they were forgetting what I looked like as they'd get to see me so little. To make matters worse, this new girl was a dope. She swears blind her name on her birth cert is Princess (um, no. It's not.) She's a freelance fashion consultant (read, unemployed, daddy has money). She's a 'practicing Wiccan' (yurk) - just the type of girl who makes me want to go for gender reassignment surgery. Our mutual friends hated her. The first time he took her to meet them she spent the entire night whining 'Baby, I'm cold.' 'Baby, it's too crowded in here.' 'Baby...' and not even attempting to make conversation with anyone else.

The Ex And I still spoke a lot - he called me at least twice a day, and this bothered her. It would drive me nuts too, if a new guy I was dating needed to talk to his ex that much. So in the interests of settling her mind I told him, you know, we're all grown-ups, let's meet up one night so she knows who you're talking to. We still move in the same social circles so we're bound to bump into each other eventually, lets do it properly.

I took FB along (our first date, incidentally) and I had him well prepped. I was so insecure about meeting her, I was expecting one of those Manhattan, ubergroomed, tiny little blond chicklets. And that I would look like a big hulking brown blob beside her. I did look fucking hot that night if I say so myself, And also I'm the skinniest I've been since I was about twelve - I lost 35lbs in last 4/5 months!- so I was feeling okay about myself. outside the concert venue me and FB were having a smoke and I saw The Ex come round the corner. I started to wave, he just widened his eyes and gave a tiny shake of his head. Then Princess came careening around the corner, wearing a tiny tee that said 'Hands Off My Man' (what are we, fucking fourteen? Also HE calls me, I don't call him). FB, god love him, said 'Jesus is that her? She's like a...a plumber! Oh he fucked up. He gave up you for Super Mario over there?' Hee. This is why I still forgive FB his subsequent blah behaviour - I needed him then and he came through.

I think any girl will sympathize with me, and I guess guys too - you always want to be better/cuter/funnier/smarter than your ex's new squeeze. 'Princess' WAS teeny and blond - but also built like a brick shithouse and just kind of raggedy. I was definitely hotter. And not as insane/immature. The Ex was probably right to keep us apart, if she was jealous without meeting me she'd be nuts if she actually did. Jesus I sound like a conceited bitch, huh?

Anyhoo. He broke up with her Friday over her general insecurity/insanity, I cancelled my plans and took him for dinner, we got wasted and slept together. He was the best sex I've had which is why my will of steel (ha) went out the window, but I truly regret it. The dope will most likely be back with her within the week, and I also don't want him thinking there's even a small chance we'll get together again. I'm loving my skinny single life right now.

I'll be 26 on Saturday. Maybe once I've officially crossed into "late" twenties I'll start making better decisions....

Breaking up is apparently contagious

I kicked The Ex to the curb about four months ago now for the following reasons.

1. I make a lot more money, cash, than he does, and he was treating mine as his. Now that was fine being in love and all, but it got to the point where he was spending about $500 a week of mine on the four nights I work, and completely unable to explain it. Not going to bars, he doesn't do coke...so where was the money going?

2. I found a list of girls he'd banged, written at least a year after we got together. It was explicit, gave marks out of ten with comments like 'sweet fuckable ass' and 'fattish waste(sic)'. Luckily for him I wasn't on that list. Unluckily, his best female friend was. And she got nine out of ten. He met this girl the day before he met me, and always swore he'd never slept with her. He went out drinking with her and back to hers on a regular basis. I am not jealous or possesive, but if I knew he'd slept with her there is no fucking way I'd have let him in her apartment drunk at 2am. He cried and begged, and I chose to believe his story he slept with her the night they met and never again since. It was over really at this point, but I stuck it out a little longer.

3. I began looking for a new apartment, knowing we were doomed, and I noticed someone was visiting the 'Casual Encounters' on Craigslist. So I checked the history on our computer. And I found his ad on AdultFriendFinder looking for an older woman for NSA hookup. Moron. Who does that on a computer they share with their girl? Or doesn't bother to delete the history? Anyway, bye bye. I found out where all the cash was going too - phone sex lines running up his cellphone bill. He tried to guilt me into sticking around to help him through his 'sex addiction'. Um, thanks, but no.

We are still friends though, he was my first love blah blah so I didn't just cut the ties. He still hits me up for a 'loan' (read - gift of free money) at least once a month too.

So since we broke up, every single girl I work with has ditched their guys too, at the rate of at least one breakup a fortnight. I just got a call from the last coupled up waitress saying she's done with her guy for good. While this has made work resemble a therapy group for too, too long, it is also awesome. Single girl summer ahoy! I can't wait...

Speaking of Stuff that Sucks... My Love Life

So I was wasted again last night, but, you know, wasted like a normal person not like a homeless man. And I brought somebody home! And then changed my mind and kicked them out 15 minutes later! I suck!

The Ex flaked on me - his brother bought a boat. Just think about that for a second. A boat. Bought by a construction worker. In Queens. It makes all kinds of no sense. Anyway they had to go pick it up and park it or whatever the hell it is you do with boats. My friends just opened a wine bar (ick) on the UES (double ick) so I decided to show some love. Asked FB if he wanted to come along but he was at Met game. I was pleasantly surprised, not the parade of retardery I expected (although of course, this being Friday, the entire UES stuck in traffic on the LIE) but a nice, mostly service industry crowd. Food was good, wine was great. I'd told FB I'd meet him after game, but no answer when I called him about 11:30.

So I took myself back to my bar. We got a mention in Time Out New York this week and I wanted to show it off. Of course who is standing outside but FB. I truly don't get this guy, his entire being lights up when I walk into a room but he still acts all meh about me... maybe he truly is emotionally unavailable. We chatted, but I started hanging out with a new guy I find cute. I'm going with the unavailable and apparently a total bitch thing. FB was leaving and I was chatting to Long Island Guy (LIG). He texted me just after he walked out asking me to come over. I replied basically, nope, you had your chance earlier, now I'm hitting on someone else. Wow. I am a BEEEYATCH. But again, apparently it's working, as I got a message from him at 9am (and who is up at 9am on Saturday? I told you, OCD) asking to meet up with me after my date tonight...
This is a pretty apt description of what goes on with me and FB.



So tonight's date is with my fake boyf (MFB). He is nuts about me, but I am not into him and he knows it. He's a handy movie date though, until about once a month he tells me he loves me via text and I have to shut him down. I was kind of crushing on him for a while, then we slept together. And it was Not. Good. He's the one I was whinging about a few days ago who somes into the bar and glowers at every guy I have the cheek to talk to. I was considering cutting off the movie dates, but he's unemployed and a bit lonely too, so I'd feel bad stopping. Maybe I'll hook up with FB after and have hot, emotionally unavailable, no kissing sex. My love life sucks ass.