I recently moved to the neighbourhood I work in, and I'm hunting for a new local so I don't end up drinking in my own place all the time. There are so many bad bars around here it's unbelievable. There's the nearby dive that, whilst I like dives, is so scuzzy I want to shower in bleach after just walking by. There's the local hotspot that has a, well, generous ID policy - I feel like I'm prom chaperon every time I go. There's the local where you can never get a drink because the bartender is always sharking on whatever young blond is in that night. But the two I tried last night took the biscuit.
My regular told me about a new place, 30 tap beers, great food, near the movie theatre. Sounds fab. I checked out the menu before going in, and they offer peppercorn sauce with burgers - I'm sold. Everything is better with peppercorn sauce. My Fake Boyf got there first and ordered a burger. I arrived, with a raging thirst of course and only 30 minutes to slake it before the movies. There's no-one behind the bar.....still no-one........no-one....'maybe the bartender's actually cooking your burger'... After ten minutes he wanders in from wherever, pours me a beer and a Jager, wanders off again. I'm saying to My Fake Boyf, I like this place, wonder why it's not busier? I didn't like the beer I ordered, and plus, only half an hour before the movie!, so I pawned it off on My Fake Boyf and decided to order a Manhattan. The other bartender comes behind bar, I try to catch her eye but no luck, she left again and sat in a couch making out with her guy. Bartender 1 is nowhere to be seen. I wait and wait, timing it this time. After 12 minutes I went for a smoke. I get very antsy and irritable when made to wait for liquor, nicotine was necessary to stop me from breaking some shit. I went back inside, waited some more....Hey, a bartender sighting! He took my order, then - hey, bartender 2's back there too! So they decided to have a little chat about something whilst not making my goddamn drink already. From deciding to order to getting drink took 24 minutes. That is ridiculous. But now I know why the place isn't busy. I won't be back. Plus if somebody orders Jager at my bar I know there's a good chance they're a fast drinking lush like myself, and I'm all over them. As a customer I was thirsty and annoyed, as a pro I was baffled. Someone wants to spend money in a place but can't get service - with two bartenders working? Place is doomed. Also it was a terrible Manhattan, tasted inexplicably like a Bloody Mary.
Second bad bar defies belief. It's a local dive. People were smoking indoors at 9pm which is the true dive bar test in my opinion. If you don't make people go outside at least until 11 then you really just don't care. No Maker's Mark, okay it's a fairly standard liquor but I'll make do with Jack. This is what knocked me on my ass. The bartender (Irish, mid 40s so clearly either a lifer or an owner) asked me "What's a Manhattan?' What. The. Fuck. I'm sure she doesn't make many, I can't remember the last time I made one other than for myself, but come on. It's like Bartender 101. It gets worse though, she was baffled when I told her sweet vermouth, apparently never heard of it. Then when I asked for a plastic cup for cigs, she handed me a highball glass off the shelf and told me to use that. The same glass that some poor fool is drinking vodka tonic out of today. Come on, even dive bars have to have some standards. I had some jerk kid the other day who kept putting cigarettes out in his drink glass despite having an ashtray right in front of him. So I made his next drink in the same glass, butts and all.
My bar really is the best bar in the neighbourhood. That's great, and makes me proud, but it sucks when I need somewhere to do some incognito boozing. Guess I'll still be hanging around the old nabe a lot.
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